High Anxiety

high-anxiety

I must admit that I have never watched High Anxiety although I have attempted to do so in the past. The humor and movie references were way, way above me at that point in my development.

Still, the title is very appropriate for me these days.

While in the surgical waiting room before my bilateral mastectomy in December, I was anxious about the procedure. I did not want to have the surgery and was uncertain about my life afterwards. As a result, I found myself sobbing and bent over the trash can in the waiting room while the older men and women who sat in chairs around me just stared at this hopeless wreck of a woman.

I have never been like this.

And today, I had a similar experience before my two appointments with my medical and radiation oncologists. Weak and ill, I yet again became sick before we even drove to the hospital.

I managed to make it through my appointments, though. I found out more about the staging and biopsy results today. The cancer is officially Stage 3B, with a small margin of cancer remaining in the muscle and two positive nodes. Both doctors reiterated the high possibility of a recurrence or future metastasis of this cancer.

Before the radiation oncologist treats me, she will be researching PTEN and any related risks involving this. There are additional problems in that she will be treating the same area that previously received radiation treatment in 2004. Right now, though, she believes that the risks of the cancer outweigh any risks of the treatment itself.

Honestly, I’m tired and frustrated at this point. Anxious too and feeling alone in all of this long, drawn-out process.

Being a “brave” cancer patient can be exhausting, to be honest. That’s the real truth of it all. I admit I don’t like the current plot of my life, but I’m hanging on to the hope that is stated by Craig Groeschel in his upcoming book, Divine Direction: 7 Decisions That Will Change Your Life:

“I am not a quitter. With the help of my God, I am a finisher.”

May things be better tomorrow, with a new outlook and a fresh hope so that I can be a finisher too.

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