With cancer treatment, you seem to be maneuvering through an obstacle course in the fog. Just when you scale one wall and begin to run again, you encounter a bunch of rocks that make you slow to a crawl. It’s sort of an endless cycle of doctors and medications and scans and side effects.
You’re often left wondering, “Now what?”
Having finished radiation, I began to recover strength, both of body and mind. After a bit of a break, I started the Tamoxifen. For a while, I experienced no side effects. I was sure I was going to get off scot-free. I congratulated myself on being one of the lucky ones.
“Not so fast,” life said.
The pain and fogginess began gradually. I thought at first that it was simply my body recovering from the radiation, or perhaps just a bit too much exercise. But the side effects only grew stronger each day, and I knew it was the anti-estrogen pill.
I’ve struggled to recall names and facts, or sometimes even form a coherent thought. And the pain is similar to when I was receiving the Neulasta shots. Pain that is constant and limiting, very similar to some of my worst days during chemotherapy.
I’ve found myself thinking, “What fresh hell is this?”
I now understand why women often say that anti-estrogen therapy changed their lives more than chemotherapy or even surgery. And I also know the desire to quit taking those darn pills.
I will be on Tamoxifen for three months, after which I will again meet with my oncologist and schedule a hysterectomy. After that surgery, however, I will begin taking another anti-estrogen medication, a medication regimen that will last for ten years.
It’s possible that the side effects may lessen as my body becomes used to the medication. However, I think it’s pretty certain that my body and my life will never be what it once was. Learning how to live with these changes is now my current challenge.
As Mike Foster says in Rescue Academy, we often let our pain define God. When your life becomes centered around medications and pain and doctor visits and scans and whatnot, it can seem like that’s all that’s left, a shell of a life that once was. But maybe we can turn it around, let God define the pain.
That’s what I’m trying to do at this point. Turn my view around and live.