Letrozole and Life

Letrozole

I admit that it has been difficult to be thankful for Letrozole lately, even if it is keeping me free of cancer at the moment.

It seems like it places me between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Do I take the medication and live longer but with extreme pain? Or do I quit the medicine and feel better in the short term but have at least a 50% chance of recurrence?

At the age of 44, I am too young to become housebound. Even during chemotherapy, I was able to exercise at least one hour per day during my weeks off from treatment. Now I struggle some days to just make it to the bathroom or simply get off the couch.

Also, my thinking became somewhat suicidal last week. I thought everyone would be better off without me. Whether it was the stress of the divorce or the medication, I don’t know. I took a couple of days off from the medicine and feel better. I have resumed taking the Letrozole, so I suppose I’ll wait and see if the thoughts return.

At this point, I’m not sure what I will choose in the long run. I’m going to stay on the medication for now and hope that things improve.

Things have to get better, right? I’m praying that they do.

Choices in Treatment

Choices in Treatment

Some may believe that making a choice as far as cancer treatment is easy. Suffer for a little bit and live, right?

The difficult part is walking down the path that you have chosen and accepting the consequences, whether good or bad. No matter the decision–strictly allopathic medicine, natural remedies, or something in between–the results may be positive or negative, and often not even the most experienced doctor can predict survival.

And when it comes to long term treatment like anti-estrogen therapy, the choice may be a bit more complicated. For a friend, ten years of medication only added 3% to her survival rate, which was more than enough for her to begin the medicine. On the other hand, considering I had inflammatory breast cancer, a cancer that is much more aggressive and difficult to treat, anti-estrogen therapy added 30% to my survival rate.

So if I follow all of the advice from my doctors–all based on world-wide research–my possibility of living a full life is currently at 80%.

What is often not discussed is the pain associated with these medications. I have been on Anastrozole for a few months now, and the body-wide bone pain has begun to increase dramatically. This may be possibly due to the current stress in my life, or simply just the medication itself building up in my body. Needless to say,  the pain some days can be unbearable.

So in the latest visit with my oncologist, he encouraged me to try Letrozole. This might be a better medication for me in the long run, but it will put me back to square one as far as pain. My body will have to become used to the new medicine, which means more pain in the short term. And this could all turn out to be a fool’s errand, becoming an even worse experience and leading me back to Anastrozole.

Honestly, it would be easier to quit the medication totally.

Reading The Last Arrow by Erwin McManus, I found a passage that made me reconsider that possibility:

“Sometimes the only way to set people free from the past is to create a different future that gives those all around you the inspiration and hope to set their own past on fire.”

Or as a friend told me after my most recent diagnosis, “Perhaps you were not meant to learn something from your suffering. Maybe you were meant to teach others how to live through it.”

So pain will be my companion for awhile. Some days I will break from the exhaustion, but I will not quit. And perhaps my continually rising up after defeat, even in the midst of pain, will give others hope.

 

Venturing Out

Venturing Out

I went to church on Sunday. This was my first real outing since my surgery and of course, radiation.

Everything was wonderful except for the pain.

Now that I have technically finished active treatment, people look at me and seem to see just a normal, healthy person. So many memes now mention “hidden” illness and pain, and I suppose I have an intimate understanding of this after beginning Anastrozole. Others don’t get why I continue to experience pain and fatigue, both of which urge me to stay at home.

As one person said when I mentioned that the drug causes pain, “But medicine is supposed to make you feel better!”

Precisely.

Going out and about can be a cause of anxiety for cancer patients. Our bodies no longer look or act like they used to, and facing healthy folks’ reactions can be a bit of a scare. Add pain to the mix, and it’s all too easy to stay at home.

Cancer treatment can often mean accepting the Devil’s own bargain. The various treatments offer the possibility of a cancer-free life, but that life may be one of pain and illness. We accept that awful bargain, though, because we love our families and want to stick around for a while.

Puttering around the house and allowing myself to rest when needed sound much more pleasant nowadays than social interactions. Cancer changes you, and it ages you.

The pain should subside after a few months on the medication, but until then I may have to learn to just say “No” when it comes to going out with others. Hopefully folks understand.